Growing Pains

I get that we’re all over hearing about 2020. It was last year! Who cares, it sucked. Well here we are 5 days into the new year and all I can think about is how good it would feel to analyze and write about my year of growth.

You know when you’re little and you can’t sleep because your knees kind of ache and you’re so hungry for days at a time no matter how much you eat? And your mom says it’s okay, you’re just growing! You’re body is growing faster than you can keep up with and it’ll be over in a little bit.

That’s what this year felt like. I was “eating” so much every day. Learning so much about myself and the world around me, getting the coolest and most eye opening experiences. In 2020 I went through every range of emotions and circumstances.

My opening day of 2020 was spent by myself with a sea of strangers watching fireworks over the ocean in downtown San Francisco. I watched at least

45 couples kiss at midnight. That night I snuck into a drag show, got crepes by myself at 1 am, and waited 2 hours by myself in that same sea of people waiting to get on the 30 minute train ride back to my house. It was beautiful and exciting.

The next day I was off of work, and spent the day journaling and walking around the park at my favorite place, the Conservatory of Flowers.

This was the start of my growth spurt “eating” for this year. It wasn’t until April that the growing “pains” started coming, and hard. It’s weird living a life that nobody you love can really relate to or understand, especially when majority of those people live 12 hours away. I was gifted so much time to reflect inwardly and try and understand other people as well. I would go for 4 hour walks after hard days of nannying. I remember one day I got to see my favorite sunset of my life while on the phone with my Grandma discussing how much of a dream the city was. Id run on the beach by myself, go to art museums by myself, quarantine only added to the isolation I was already feeling. I couldn’t even see my saving grace bestie in SF as often as I really needed and wanted. The hardest part was knowing that everybody had challenges during that time they were dealing with, and knowing I couldn’t help them just as much as they couldn’t really help me.

A couple days ago I was talking with my friend in my way too messy room and we were discussing how much

we felt we’ve grown. We both attributed it to some of the hardest times in our lives. Maybe living through the unbearable is what shows us what’s really important and teaches us why it’s important to love ourselves and create lives we really want to be living through. We all learned so much this year, even if it was even just about our views and beliefs. I got to march in Trump impeachment rallies and BLM protests. I got to discuss different ideas and opinions with so many people. New books started being read, styles changed. Everyone’s getting into hobbies again. Even I’ve started sewing again and am learning how to ski. It’s refreshing seeing everybody indulge in living again. It’s like a mini renaissance after the dark months of 2020. Even though we’re still coming out of that darkness, we are all growing so much. Like little bears coming out of hibernation eating after a long winter. Growing.

After receiving an offer to stay another year with the family I was nannying for, I had to decline and come

back home to Utah. As much as I loved my city and my experiences there, I needed to get back to my home base for a little TLC. This decision was honestly a selfish one, but I needed time to just be Carly and be with my family and friends in person and be able to depend on someone instead of people depending on me. Little did I know what an identity crisis coming home would cause. I missed everything about the city, and had taken it on as part of my identity. So I let my friend cut my hair and I cried to my mom every day about how much I wanted to be at the beach by myself or how much I missed the circumstances I often complained about. I talked to my parents about their lives and if they ever felt stuck. Being stuck was my new fear. I cried about my choice to go to Utah State. How was I supposed to go from living in San Francisco to living in Logan, Utah?

But now I’m here! In that very place. I’m so grateful I came. Logan really is so pretty if you know where to look. I’ve met so many people and made some of my most needed and favorite friendships. I have one friend here in particular who helped me unlearn lots of the self-doubting thoughts and habits I curated over my weird transitional summer from CA to UT. My roommates have all taught me so much about love and acceptance and authentic living to own values.

This helped me to remember my word for 2019 was authenticity and how I planned to carry this word into 2020. I kept allowing myself to feel all of my emotions. I was honest with people. Most importantly, I was authentically myself.

Coming out of 2020, I keep hearing from my circle how “Carly” I am/have become. How I’m so comfortable in my own skin. Even my room decor screams Carly Price. I grew more into myself this year, and I’m so thankful for those weird growing pains. My legs feel longer, like in 2021 I’ll be able to run faster and jump higher than ever before. 2021 will be full of racing to life, and jumping to higher goals, cooler places, and to continue growing more into myself. Even if it’s painful at times.

California Poppies

We all remember how sunflowers were trendy, right? It was abnormal for a girl to say any flower besides a sunflower was her favorite; even my VSCO feed was always full of them. I loved seeing every girl get sunflowers, post about sunflowers, paint sunflowers, plant sunflowers, all of it- because I’ve always really loved them, even before I could read. I started to love them because my big sister started to love them. As the little sister, I of course agreed that they were the best. They were the best because hers were the best. Carrigan grew sunflowers on the side of our house in a skinny dirt garden past the driveway. Her flowers grew taller than our roof and never stopped growing. As a little kindergartner, those huge sunflower faces looked like they were the size of the sun. I loved all the extra sunshine growing around our house, and if you know me, you know I still love them best.

When I first arrived in San Francisco to be a nanny, the first purchase I made was at the flower shop to buy a vase and 5 sunflowers for my room. The arrangement made me feel much more at home. It brought sunshine in my room which I desperately needed, as I arrived during the city’s foggiest months. After Cam’s first visit, the family I live with bought me sunflowers to help cheer me up. They did the same after the last time my family came to see me in early March. When Cam visited Amsterdam he sent me Van Gough sunflowers that are now hung up on my wall in poster form. The flowers and the love behind each gesture did more for my emotional state than anything else could have.

Nannying during a world-wide pandemic isn’t easy, as I’ve not only had to stretch my hours, but also my talents by becoming a home-school teacher and a chef. While my last 5 weeks have been spent in quarantine, that poster, and what’s left of those sunflowers I was given at the beginning of March have had to boost my mood more times than I’d like to admit. Those poor flowers have been dead for at least 3 weeks but they’re still kind of yellow, and I pretend they’re still alive and not dropping their petals all over my floor. What I really savor are the days I get to leave my room and go outside and see all the living flowers. I’ve seen zero sunflowers in gardens since moving here, and I’ve been missing my constant sunshine scattered at my feet. But I kept looking! and realized there were other spots of sun in the grass. I’ve found another favorite.

On the first weekend with San Francisco’s shelter- in-place order, the family and I went over the bridge to the Marin for a hike. After about a half hour of flat ground turning into a steeper dirt path, it almost started to feel like a Utah hike. I hadn’t seen so much open space in months, and there were trees and birds and people hiking and running and mountain biking. It looked like the drive up to Snowbasin-yeah, that much space. The only tell that it wasn’t actually Utah was that it was hotter than Utah mountains would be in March. The kids were pointing out flowers to ask us how pretty we thought they were, a habit picked up during our daily dog walks with Snickerdoodle. I kept noticing the pretty orange ones, and Evy proudly told me they were California Poppies, the state flower. Since then, every time we pass a yard or field with poppies, the kids make sure to point them out to me! This is one of the few things they’ll get excited about anymore. As hard as it is for me to inside all day (RIP weekends with Blythe), it’s really hard for them to be out of school. They miss their friends, their amazing teachers, and their extra classes. I die a little every time I get a notification from the family calendar that yet another event, playdate, or date night is cancelled. I’ll be the first to cry over all the plans I had being cancelled, ranging from Giants baseball games with my dad to a summer LA trip to stay with the Pepperdine girls. I won’t even mention the number of concerts I was looking forward to that got cancelled or moved to the end of the year when I won’t be here anymore. Just today I was reading the article “Billie’s World” from the March issue of Vogue, and it talks about her song in the New James Bond that was supposed to come out in theatres this month, and her tour that was sold out for this year. All cancelled. The worst part? Turning 19 in the middle of a quarantine, away from my family (the MVP’s of birthdays.)

It seems like a whole other lifetime when I took the train to downtown to see Ariana Grande, or went shopping at Union Square. It’s been entirely too long since I’ve been to my favorite brunch spots. Most of them aren’t on ANY delivery app... I’ve tried them all. I really miss my city. It’s hard seeing pictures of it all boarded up, but I’m glad it is. I’m grateful for the chance to do anything I can to help, even if it’s staying inside and staying away from overcrowded or closed beaches. When it’s sunny, my jean blanket and I go to my favorite pond overlook in Golden Gate Park to read and watch families in masks go on walks. I love watching the people not only scoot to the side, but cross entirely to give the older couple or other families a little more space to help them feel more at ease. I love that when I’m waiting to pick up food from a restaurant, the line goes for a block because everyone is spaced out. I recognize how weird this is, especially for a big city. Usually, people are everywhere. They crowd each other, bump into one another and personal space is a luxury that not many people get to enjoy. It’s not that way anymore. As much stress as the pandemic and the resulting changes give me, I really appreciate everyone working to make those changes. They all understand the value in focusing on themselves and ways they can help. While the overcrowding was my expected experience, my sunflowers were also my expected source for sunshine. With all the change going on around me, I appreciate how my Poppies happened to step in at just the right time to help, just like the people outside.

Besides my flowers, I’ve really depended on my family and friends to help combat weekends that have become uneventful and unbearably boring. When my sister-in-law Facetimes for help with a TikTok dance, my day is made. I appreciate my friends letting me call them, especially my poor mom. I doubt her phone is even charged from the last time we talked before I call her again. As hard as everything already is, it’s weird seeing friends come home from missions, and seeing everyone’s posts about getting to see them. Whether it’s from a six-foot distance or a drive-by parade (if you don’t do it in one of these ways you are my #1 peeve and I stand by that.) I really feel for the missionaries that are still out, and also the ones that wanted to stay out. I really feel for everyone, as we’re all experiencing these new and challenging circumstances.

It’s amazing to see the good people are finding and doing during this hard time! I love that when I go out I see little kid drawings of rainbows and hearts and scribbles taped up in windows. I love all the sidewalk art telling me to “Stay happy! We can do this! Wash your hands!” I love the sense of community I’ve felt. I love my walks, but I’m really looking forward to my dearly-missed train ride to downtown. If I don’t experience another bad Uber driver soon, I might forget how truly awful some of them are. I can’t wait for the day when I can walk down to my flower stand and buy some living sunflowers, and mix them in my vase with some freshly picked poppies. Until then, the poppies in yards will be enough light to help this almost 19 year-old and her two little friends survive another week of being good global citizens.

Davis Lanes

Every year I pick one word to give shape to my next 365 days, and by the end of the year it’s a part of me, allowing me to choose another word to add to my personal word bank. I’ve found that choosing a general word and allowing it to act as a guide is what works best for me and my version of “resolutions”. (Thank you for that idea Michelle.) The perk of picking a general word is that it’s more versatile when applied to decisions that affect me or other people. It helps with interactions- I basically can apply it to all aspects of my life. I like to think of it as the bumper people sometimes need when going bowling. The lane is my life or the decision or the interaction at hand, and the bumper (or word) helps me stay at least on the right track to my goal, while I am still in control of bowling my ball down that lane.

My “bumper” for 2019 was authenticity; I wanted to be real and genuine with myself in what I wanted and with others to let them know I really cared about them. It pushed me out of comfort zones I didn’t realize I had and helped me make deeper connections with people. Ending 2019, I feel a lot more like myself, now more than ever. Part of that might just be getting out of high school and away from all the limitations people put on me, but I really attribute applying authenticity to everything even when it was hard. It was really uncomfortable at first. I had to climb out of a box I no longer felt I fit while others struggled to see me any other way I started to separate myself from people I didn’t truly feel good around and got much closer to the ones I did. I decided what I wanted to do after graduation knowing how different it was from everyone else’s plan. The beginning of this year had a lot of growing pains in terms of people, including myself. I learned to really feel all my emotions and even had a teacher tell me that “happiness isn’t the human default.” I’ve used that phrase to comfort myself and other people hundreds of times this year, and it’s a nice reminder that I don’t need to convince myself to force happiness to benefit other people.

I know it’s been 2020 for two weeks now, but this year I’ve had trouble choosing a new bumper to keep me out of the gutter, as I haven’t been totally sure of what I wish to gain from this year. I think more than anything I want to shift my word from being the bumper to which lanes I choose and how I approach them, as well as the force I give to get the ball rolling. I want to stand in front of lanes that I know are worth my effort, those that have 10 pins waiting for me rather than 2. I really want to level up this year, maybe get my own bowling shoes or paint my ball a different color. After a phone call with a friend about my plans for this upcoming year, I realized I really just want to extend my authenticity another year, and in the least conceited way possible, be a little more selfish with my time and efforts and what I really want to do. I got a fortune cookie last week that said to “pursue your wishes aggressively.” I have big goals and I need to work towards them now so they can be my reality later. As often as my wishes and goals change, I hope to use this year as a way to create opportunities for myself. I want to pair this idea with love, which resides in my word bank from 2018.

I pushed to do everything out of love. Loving myself, helping others feel loved, and genuinely loving people I found I didn’t always agree with. I also wish to bring back this word to eliminate the habit of comparison that snuck it’s way into my thoughts. It distracted me from bowling easy frames. I wish to regain the talent I used to have of very rarely passing judgments and comparison. In changing which lane I stand in front of (or which things I give value to, or try to achieve) I also get to choose my focus and perspective to see what’s real, what’s beautiful, what’s really there, and what really matters.

It sounds like a lot to adjust, but I really am just recycling past words I’ve already benefited from and applying them in a new way. Maybe those new bowling shoes I get to level up with will really be my old ones, just with newer, prettier laces.