I get that we’re all over hearing about 2020. It was last year! Who cares, it sucked. Well here we are 5 days into the new year and all I can think about is how good it would feel to analyze and write about my year of growth.
You know when you’re little and you can’t sleep because your knees kind of ache and you’re so hungry for days at a time no matter how much you eat? And your mom says it’s okay, you’re just growing! You’re body is growing faster than you can keep up with and it’ll be over in a little bit.
That’s what this year felt like. I was “eating” so much every day. Learning so much about myself and the world around me, getting the coolest and most eye opening experiences. In 2020 I went through every range of emotions and circumstances.
My opening day of 2020 was spent by myself with a sea of strangers watching fireworks over the ocean in downtown San Francisco. I watched at least
45 couples kiss at midnight. That night I snuck into a drag show, got crepes by myself at 1 am, and waited 2 hours by myself in that same sea of people waiting to get on the 30 minute train ride back to my house. It was beautiful and exciting.
The next day I was off of work, and spent the day journaling and walking around the park at my favorite place, the Conservatory of Flowers.
This was the start of my growth spurt “eating” for this year. It wasn’t until April that the growing “pains” started coming, and hard. It’s weird living a life that nobody you love can really relate to or understand, especially when majority of those people live 12 hours away. I was gifted so much time to reflect inwardly and try and understand other people as well. I would go for 4 hour walks after hard days of nannying. I remember one day I got to see my favorite sunset of my life while on the phone with my Grandma discussing how much of a dream the city was. Id run on the beach by myself, go to art museums by myself, quarantine only added to the isolation I was already feeling. I couldn’t even see my saving grace bestie in SF as often as I really needed and wanted. The hardest part was knowing that everybody had challenges during that time they were dealing with, and knowing I couldn’t help them just as much as they couldn’t really help me.
A couple days ago I was talking with my friend in my way too messy room and we were discussing how much
we felt we’ve grown. We both attributed it to some of the hardest times in our lives. Maybe living through the unbearable is what shows us what’s really important and teaches us why it’s important to love ourselves and create lives we really want to be living through. We all learned so much this year, even if it was even just about our views and beliefs. I got to march in Trump impeachment rallies and BLM protests. I got to discuss different ideas and opinions with so many people. New books started being read, styles changed. Everyone’s getting into hobbies again. Even I’ve started sewing again and am learning how to ski. It’s refreshing seeing everybody indulge in living again. It’s like a mini renaissance after the dark months of 2020. Even though we’re still coming out of that darkness, we are all growing so much. Like little bears coming out of hibernation eating after a long winter. Growing.
After receiving an offer to stay another year with the family I was nannying for, I had to decline and come
back home to Utah. As much as I loved my city and my experiences there, I needed to get back to my home base for a little TLC. This decision was honestly a selfish one, but I needed time to just be Carly and be with my family and friends in person and be able to depend on someone instead of people depending on me. Little did I know what an identity crisis coming home would cause. I missed everything about the city, and had taken it on as part of my identity. So I let my friend cut my hair and I cried to my mom every day about how much I wanted to be at the beach by myself or how much I missed the circumstances I often complained about. I talked to my parents about their lives and if they ever felt stuck. Being stuck was my new fear. I cried about my choice to go to Utah State. How was I supposed to go from living in San Francisco to living in Logan, Utah?
But now I’m here! In that very place. I’m so grateful I came. Logan really is so pretty if you know where to look. I’ve met so many people and made some of my most needed and favorite friendships. I have one friend here in particular who helped me unlearn lots of the self-doubting thoughts and habits I curated over my weird transitional summer from CA to UT. My roommates have all taught me so much about love and acceptance and authentic living to own values.
This helped me to remember my word for 2019 was authenticity and how I planned to carry this word into 2020. I kept allowing myself to feel all of my emotions. I was honest with people. Most importantly, I was authentically myself.
Coming out of 2020, I keep hearing from my circle how “Carly” I am/have become. How I’m so comfortable in my own skin. Even my room decor screams Carly Price. I grew more into myself this year, and I’m so thankful for those weird growing pains. My legs feel longer, like in 2021 I’ll be able to run faster and jump higher than ever before. 2021 will be full of racing to life, and jumping to higher goals, cooler places, and to continue growing more into myself. Even if it’s painful at times.
