We all remember how sunflowers were trendy, right? It was abnormal for a girl to say any flower besides a sunflower was her favorite; even my VSCO feed was always full of them. I loved seeing every girl get sunflowers, post about sunflowers, paint sunflowers, plant sunflowers, all of it- because I’ve always really loved them, even before I could read. I started to love them because my big sister started to love them. As the little sister, I of course agreed that they were the best. They were the best because hers were the best. Carrigan grew sunflowers on the side of our house in a skinny dirt garden past the driveway. Her flowers grew taller than our roof and never stopped growing. As a little kindergartner, those huge sunflower faces looked like they were the size of the sun. I loved all the extra sunshine growing around our house, and if you know me, you know I still love them best.
When I first arrived in San Francisco to be a nanny, the first purchase I made was at the flower shop to buy a vase and 5 sunflowers for my room. The arrangement made me feel much more at home. It brought sunshine in my room which I desperately needed, as I arrived during the city’s foggiest months. After Cam’s first visit, the family I live with bought me sunflowers to help cheer me up. They did the same after the last time my family came to see me in early March. When Cam visited Amsterdam he sent me Van Gough sunflowers that are now hung up on my wall in poster form. The flowers and the love behind each gesture did more for my emotional state than anything else could have.
Nannying during a world-wide pandemic isn’t easy, as I’ve not only had to stretch my hours, but also my talents by becoming a home-school teacher and a chef. While my last 5 weeks have been spent in quarantine, that poster, and what’s left of those sunflowers I was given at the beginning of March have had to boost my mood more times than I’d like to admit. Those poor flowers have been dead for at least 3 weeks but they’re still kind of yellow, and I pretend they’re still alive and not dropping their petals all over my floor. What I really savor are the days I get to leave my room and go outside and see all the living flowers. I’ve seen zero sunflowers in gardens since moving here, and I’ve been missing my constant sunshine scattered at my feet. But I kept looking! and realized there were other spots of sun in the grass. I’ve found another favorite.
On the first weekend with San Francisco’s shelter- in-place order, the family and I went over the bridge to the Marin for a hike. After about a half hour of flat ground turning into a steeper dirt path, it almost started to feel like a Utah hike. I hadn’t seen so much open space in months, and there were trees and birds and people hiking and running and mountain biking. It looked like the drive up to Snowbasin-yeah, that much space. The only tell that it wasn’t actually Utah was that it was hotter than Utah mountains would be in March. The kids were pointing out flowers to ask us how pretty we thought they were, a habit picked up during our daily dog walks with Snickerdoodle. I kept noticing the pretty orange ones, and Evy proudly told me they were California Poppies, the state flower. Since then, every time we pass a yard or field with poppies, the kids make sure to point them out to me! This is one of the few things they’ll get excited about anymore. As hard as it is for me to inside all day (RIP weekends with Blythe), it’s really hard for them to be out of school. They miss their friends, their amazing teachers, and their extra classes. I die a little every time I get a notification from the family calendar that yet another event, playdate, or date night is cancelled. I’ll be the first to cry over all the plans I had being cancelled, ranging from Giants baseball games with my dad to a summer LA trip to stay with the Pepperdine girls. I won’t even mention the number of concerts I was looking forward to that got cancelled or moved to the end of the year when I won’t be here anymore. Just today I was reading the article “Billie’s World” from the March issue of Vogue, and it talks about her song in the New James Bond that was supposed to come out in theatres this month, and her tour that was sold out for this year. All cancelled. The worst part? Turning 19 in the middle of a quarantine, away from my family (the MVP’s of birthdays.)
It seems like a whole other lifetime when I took the train to downtown to see Ariana Grande, or went shopping at Union Square. It’s been entirely too long since I’ve been to my favorite brunch spots. Most of them aren’t on ANY delivery app... I’ve tried them all. I really miss my city. It’s hard seeing pictures of it all boarded up, but I’m glad it is. I’m grateful for the chance to do anything I can to help, even if it’s staying inside and staying away from overcrowded or closed beaches. When it’s sunny, my jean blanket and I go to my favorite pond overlook in Golden Gate Park to read and watch families in masks go on walks. I love watching the people not only scoot to the side, but cross entirely to give the older couple or other families a little more space to help them feel more at ease. I love that when I’m waiting to pick up food from a restaurant, the line goes for a block because everyone is spaced out. I recognize how weird this is, especially for a big city. Usually, people are everywhere. They crowd each other, bump into one another and personal space is a luxury that not many people get to enjoy. It’s not that way anymore. As much stress as the pandemic and the resulting changes give me, I really appreciate everyone working to make those changes. They all understand the value in focusing on themselves and ways they can help. While the overcrowding was my expected experience, my sunflowers were also my expected source for sunshine. With all the change going on around me, I appreciate how my Poppies happened to step in at just the right time to help, just like the people outside.
Besides my flowers, I’ve really depended on my family and friends to help combat weekends that have become uneventful and unbearably boring. When my sister-in-law Facetimes for help with a TikTok dance, my day is made. I appreciate my friends letting me call them, especially my poor mom. I doubt her phone is even charged from the last time we talked before I call her again. As hard as everything already is, it’s weird seeing friends come home from missions, and seeing everyone’s posts about getting to see them. Whether it’s from a six-foot distance or a drive-by parade (if you don’t do it in one of these ways you are my #1 peeve and I stand by that.) I really feel for the missionaries that are still out, and also the ones that wanted to stay out. I really feel for everyone, as we’re all experiencing these new and challenging circumstances.
It’s amazing to see the good people are finding and doing during this hard time! I love that when I go out I see little kid drawings of rainbows and hearts and scribbles taped up in windows. I love all the sidewalk art telling me to “Stay happy! We can do this! Wash your hands!” I love the sense of community I’ve felt. I love my walks, but I’m really looking forward to my dearly-missed train ride to downtown. If I don’t experience another bad Uber driver soon, I might forget how truly awful some of them are. I can’t wait for the day when I can walk down to my flower stand and buy some living sunflowers, and mix them in my vase with some freshly picked poppies. Until then, the poppies in yards will be enough light to help this almost 19 year-old and her two little friends survive another week of being good global citizens.